A clear water revival, that's what the organisers of the tour de france had been hoping for when they test the riders samples. As in 1998 and again last year, this year the tour again ends amidst embarrassing scandal, positive drug test and confessions of corruption.
Again the designer drug EPO has been found in team wide abuse. I think it safe to say that the first sportsmen to shave their heads were the cyclists, they had long depilated body hair. Some say to reduce wind resistance, some that smooth, bronzed, muscular legs are a real turn on for the ladies, others of a slightly more cynical nature, knowing that the best test for EPO measures irregular growth patterns in the hair, wonder just how long EPO has been around !
However some sort of macho vanity precludes the depilation of the pubic region and this is how the Gendarmes get them, by the short and curlies one might say ! Can you imagine a suspect rider, standing in a dank, dark cell with his lycras round his ankles, faced by 5 burly Gendarmes all brandishing the wifes borrowed eyebrow tweasers, of course they are going to confess.
It's common knowledge that no Gendarme leaves home on the morning the tour is passing through his patch without borrowing the wifes eyebrow tweasers in the hope of making a significant and promotion earning arrest. They obviously don't tell the wife exactly what or where they intend to probe with her tweasers and this is leading some of the wives to question what is going on down at the station, that an otherwise exemplary husband needs to pluck his eyebrows for.
I understand the powers that be are considering offering counselling !!!
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
The tour de farce
The first lot of grandchildren left today and I've 3 days till the second and much bigger bunch arrive.
We did have the tour pass through our village on the day it was dubbed the tour de farce, because of all the drug taking. Double farce for me; I had planned a TV appearance, the juxtaposition of the road and my garden would be exactly right to be face on to the helicopter camera ! I had both my not very legal UK TV system and the French one set to record and as the eye in the sky followed the main bunch towards me I stepped forward, with a cherry wave, at that instant the bloody machine veared off down into the valley to join the leading group ! Foiled!
The racers always work this very transparent ruse, for the first part of the days stage a few (but never a rider who might stand a chance of gaining the lead) are allowed to build up a substantial lead. During the latter part of the stage the pellaton (main bunch) push to catch up, creating considerable tension and excited full pitch commentary and coincidently all finish together !
They are probably a bit more blassée in the big towns but out here it is made into quite an event, a buvette (portable bar) was set up outside the town hall and a B-B-Q organised in a nearby field and of course the roads are closed hours beforehand.
I was quite surprised, on taking the dog for it's morning walk, to see at least 4 camper vans parked on the green across the road, the greenis no bigger than an average municipal bowling green. Given that the riders pass a given spot at 40 kph (drug assisted!), they are through in seconds, so these happy campers spend their 3 weeks hols
We did have the tour pass through our village on the day it was dubbed the tour de farce, because of all the drug taking. Double farce for me; I had planned a TV appearance, the juxtaposition of the road and my garden would be exactly right to be face on to the helicopter camera ! I had both my not very legal UK TV system and the French one set to record and as the eye in the sky followed the main bunch towards me I stepped forward, with a cherry wave, at that instant the bloody machine veared off down into the valley to join the leading group ! Foiled!
The racers always work this very transparent ruse, for the first part of the days stage a few (but never a rider who might stand a chance of gaining the lead) are allowed to build up a substantial lead. During the latter part of the stage the pellaton (main bunch) push to catch up, creating considerable tension and excited full pitch commentary and coincidently all finish together !
They are probably a bit more blassée in the big towns but out here it is made into quite an event, a buvette (portable bar) was set up outside the town hall and a B-B-Q organised in a nearby field and of course the roads are closed hours beforehand.
I was quite surprised, on taking the dog for it's morning walk, to see at least 4 camper vans parked on the green across the road, the greenis no bigger than an average municipal bowling green. Given that the riders pass a given spot at 40 kph (drug assisted!), they are through in seconds, so these happy campers spend their 3 weeks hols
Monday, July 16, 2007
Suck a duck
It's almost six years since we went to pick the dog up as a 12 week old pup, with us, in the back of the car we took a furry toy, a duck, so that she wouldn't miss her mum ! It came complete with authentic quack, she was too small to activate the quack by biting the toy but she soon learnt that bashing it on the floor she could cause a very satisfactory quack.
That toy is still her favourite but is now a bald duck, all the fur chewed off and most of the origional stuffing, including the quacker, eaten. Much repaired and re-stuffed she will still bash it on the floor in search of a long lost quack but what she does is to hold it between her front paws and suck it like a baby will a dummy. This is what she was doing last night out on the gravel in front of the house just before I took her out for a late night pee.
Bit later than usual and the street lights went out at midnight (their usual time) so on the way back we only had the glow from the house lights to see by. I thought I'll pick up the duck and put it in the dry in case it rains. So I picked up this darker shape on the gravel to throw it under the front porch, My scream of surprise, caused the dog to bolt and hide in the barn and the dark shape to give a loud hiss and curl up, me? I just dropped the bloody hedgehog!
That toy is still her favourite but is now a bald duck, all the fur chewed off and most of the origional stuffing, including the quacker, eaten. Much repaired and re-stuffed she will still bash it on the floor in search of a long lost quack but what she does is to hold it between her front paws and suck it like a baby will a dummy. This is what she was doing last night out on the gravel in front of the house just before I took her out for a late night pee.
Bit later than usual and the street lights went out at midnight (their usual time) so on the way back we only had the glow from the house lights to see by. I thought I'll pick up the duck and put it in the dry in case it rains. So I picked up this darker shape on the gravel to throw it under the front porch, My scream of surprise, caused the dog to bolt and hide in the barn and the dark shape to give a loud hiss and curl up, me? I just dropped the bloody hedgehog!
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Saturday night--Alone
Local time, just after midnight and I've just taken the dog out, for her usual "pee-pee de minuit".
I nearly always treat myself to a bottle of the "GIGO" for saturday dinner, a bottle of Gigondas from the Rhone Valley region. Getting a bit gloomy as I'm on the last glass !!
But last week-end, before the summer visitor panic set in, I went down to the coast, didn't stay long, just TOO many people. I often, out of season, go either to a little place place called Narbonne Plage (plage being beach) or to the northest corner of the cost brava, this being in reach of the Salvador Dali museum (here I get a bit of beach and a bit of loony culture!)
Like anywhere between Tuscany and Gibralta these little places are backed by acres of little villas and flatlets, all rather reminisant of a Butlins holiday camp. Out of season there's the odd little gem that still retains a hint of it's former charm, not when mobbed out though. This silly old fart hadn't realised that the school hols start at the begining of July here.
Driving down on the saturday and pulling into a couple of service areas (these are every 25 K on the motorways ) unsuccessfully looking for coffee and dog pee I was amazed at the places a french familly can leave a car and even more so where they can balance a lunch time pic nic table!!. It seems to be a pre-requisite of a holiday, to picnic en route; I've seen them beside a six lane highway, clinging onto their table-cloth as a juggernaught hurtles by and enjoying every mouthfull!
On the way back a stop for reasons of personal comfort (as we say) and whilst I'm watering the porclain I hear this voice "quel qu'un" (anybody there?) coming from one of the cubicles. Warily, I admitted my presence, to learn that the poor bloke was trapped inside, presumably in the squat position, with NO PAPER ! However he thought help was at hand (do I mean to say it that way?????) because in the red car parked outside were his 3 travelling companions. Could I ask them to assist him. Of course, so on exit I told the 3 young people of their mates predicament and they all fell about laughing. As I drove away they were still propping each other up roaring with laufter.
Presumably the poor sod is still there to this day!
I nearly always treat myself to a bottle of the "GIGO" for saturday dinner, a bottle of Gigondas from the Rhone Valley region. Getting a bit gloomy as I'm on the last glass !!
But last week-end, before the summer visitor panic set in, I went down to the coast, didn't stay long, just TOO many people. I often, out of season, go either to a little place place called Narbonne Plage (plage being beach) or to the northest corner of the cost brava, this being in reach of the Salvador Dali museum (here I get a bit of beach and a bit of loony culture!)
Like anywhere between Tuscany and Gibralta these little places are backed by acres of little villas and flatlets, all rather reminisant of a Butlins holiday camp. Out of season there's the odd little gem that still retains a hint of it's former charm, not when mobbed out though. This silly old fart hadn't realised that the school hols start at the begining of July here.
Driving down on the saturday and pulling into a couple of service areas (these are every 25 K on the motorways ) unsuccessfully looking for coffee and dog pee I was amazed at the places a french familly can leave a car and even more so where they can balance a lunch time pic nic table!!. It seems to be a pre-requisite of a holiday, to picnic en route; I've seen them beside a six lane highway, clinging onto their table-cloth as a juggernaught hurtles by and enjoying every mouthfull!
On the way back a stop for reasons of personal comfort (as we say) and whilst I'm watering the porclain I hear this voice "quel qu'un" (anybody there?) coming from one of the cubicles. Warily, I admitted my presence, to learn that the poor bloke was trapped inside, presumably in the squat position, with NO PAPER ! However he thought help was at hand (do I mean to say it that way?????) because in the red car parked outside were his 3 travelling companions. Could I ask them to assist him. Of course, so on exit I told the 3 young people of their mates predicament and they all fell about laughing. As I drove away they were still propping each other up roaring with laufter.
Presumably the poor sod is still there to this day!
Thursday, July 12, 2007
DONT PANIC
Dont panic?? Well I am, it's about 10 days until the first batch of the family arrive for their summer holidays and I've not even started on the preparations, let alone the spring cleaning. You might think that "what does all that matter", it's only family after all. But it does to me because I know when they get home the inter-familial phone lines will be buzzing with " I told you the old fart wouldn't cope on his own.
Perhaps I should get a char lady (and the current local rate is only 8 euros an hour) but to me it's an admission of failure, so I'd rather live in shit most of the time and work my bollocks off, cleaning up , just before people arrive. Anyway it's much worse this year than ever before because me and the youngest boy have spent the winter sanding down and painting newly created ceilings in 3 new rooms in the loft. The dust is everywhere, and he's pissed off to spain for the summer!!
I had resovled to start on monday (it's thursday nite now) and did make a start by checking the water in the swimming pool, although it's been on automatic all winter/spring there was a worrying hint of green about the water. Fuffing and farting about with various tests I've had to conceed that the pump is fucked and a new one needs to be ordered, it's debatable whether this will arrive in time.
Green water could be the least of their problems, when they arrive, because I've always kept the B-B-Que in the barn as the only place that's always shaded from the sun (which can be extreme down here) but this year a pair of birds have nested in it- so B-B-Ques are off for the summer, as well as swimming!
For me the best thing about summer is that I pay for all their air fares out here, there's my 3 boys and their partners, the seven grandchildren, two of whom are old enough to have their own partners and also have produced the 2 great grandchildren. At a rough count thats 17 bodies I'm paying for this year.
Expensive? Yes! but I pay for their trips out on the basis that it's in lieu of their birthday and xmas presents. Can you see what a wonderful wheeze this is ; it means I don't have to worry about having to THINK about what present to buy for birthday or Xmas 34 times.
Perhaps I should get a char lady (and the current local rate is only 8 euros an hour) but to me it's an admission of failure, so I'd rather live in shit most of the time and work my bollocks off, cleaning up , just before people arrive. Anyway it's much worse this year than ever before because me and the youngest boy have spent the winter sanding down and painting newly created ceilings in 3 new rooms in the loft. The dust is everywhere, and he's pissed off to spain for the summer!!
I had resovled to start on monday (it's thursday nite now) and did make a start by checking the water in the swimming pool, although it's been on automatic all winter/spring there was a worrying hint of green about the water. Fuffing and farting about with various tests I've had to conceed that the pump is fucked and a new one needs to be ordered, it's debatable whether this will arrive in time.
Green water could be the least of their problems, when they arrive, because I've always kept the B-B-Que in the barn as the only place that's always shaded from the sun (which can be extreme down here) but this year a pair of birds have nested in it- so B-B-Ques are off for the summer, as well as swimming!
For me the best thing about summer is that I pay for all their air fares out here, there's my 3 boys and their partners, the seven grandchildren, two of whom are old enough to have their own partners and also have produced the 2 great grandchildren. At a rough count thats 17 bodies I'm paying for this year.
Expensive? Yes! but I pay for their trips out on the basis that it's in lieu of their birthday and xmas presents. Can you see what a wonderful wheeze this is ; it means I don't have to worry about having to THINK about what present to buy for birthday or Xmas 34 times.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Health Matters
I've been on 3 monthly check up visits to my "medicin generalist" (whom we would call GP) for nearly 10 years, when I'd had a mild heart attack. But I can't count myself a proper patient yet, to qualify as such, one has to be seen leaving the pharmicists proudly clutching a bulging carrier bag full of prescribed medicines and tablets. My pathetic haul each month fits into a small plastic bag not much larger than an envelope; I have to edge out of the door and make a dash for the car in the hope that no one who knows me will see me.
Things are looking up a bit, as this month he prescribed an extra daily tablet, an anti-allergy non sombulent pill, whilst not promoting me to carrier bag status it does have an impressive list of potential side effects. They are tiredness,dry mouth, head aches, shortness of breath, bronchial wheezing, itching skin, hives, swelling, skin eruptions, palpitations, rapid heart beat, stomach upset, nausia, vomitting, heavyness of stomach, diarihia, vertigo, insomnia, muscular pain, hallucinations, epileptic fits, trembling and inflamation of the liver.
What ever my symptoms were that caused him to prescribe this pill,they've been cured by just reading the blurb.
Things are looking up a bit, as this month he prescribed an extra daily tablet, an anti-allergy non sombulent pill, whilst not promoting me to carrier bag status it does have an impressive list of potential side effects. They are tiredness,dry mouth, head aches, shortness of breath, bronchial wheezing, itching skin, hives, swelling, skin eruptions, palpitations, rapid heart beat, stomach upset, nausia, vomitting, heavyness of stomach, diarihia, vertigo, insomnia, muscular pain, hallucinations, epileptic fits, trembling and inflamation of the liver.
What ever my symptoms were that caused him to prescribe this pill,they've been cured by just reading the blurb.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Chez Dennis
I promised Dennis (donny) I would visit and finally, yesterday, I did ! I needed to check things out first as I couldn't quite understand the relationships, when I'd first met him at Claude et Fabiennes lunch. The little girl there had called both Claude and Dennis "Papi". This is the diminutive for grandad but it's also what grown men call the patriarch of the family ( if I ever run out of things to say I will tell you the near fatal story of the "papi-mobile").
I spoke to a mutual friend, who explained that Dennis was, to my great surprise, Fabiennes first
husband, and therefore the kid his direct grandchild and how in view of his handicap, they all looked after him. He also told me of the terrible accident where he had fallen out of a window and fractured his hip.
Armed with detailed instructions to find chez Dennis I went down into the village in the valley below me; I drove back and forth, trying to find his house; his village is, in fact, twinned with mine, we share a school system, a post office service and most importantly, charity bingo evenings and telethons, so I thought I knew it well.
But I had to ask their Mr Postmaster where the "F" does he live. He directed me back to where I'd started, a little tiny bungalow, which I'd discounted on the basis that no-one could possibely fall out of a window that low and do serious damage. Obviously Dennis could !!!!
As I entered his bungalow I said what a great view he had and he agreed that the mountains were pretty spectacular . No! not there, I said, look the other way, up there , you can see my house!!
I spoke to a mutual friend, who explained that Dennis was, to my great surprise, Fabiennes first
husband, and therefore the kid his direct grandchild and how in view of his handicap, they all looked after him. He also told me of the terrible accident where he had fallen out of a window and fractured his hip.
Armed with detailed instructions to find chez Dennis I went down into the village in the valley below me; I drove back and forth, trying to find his house; his village is, in fact, twinned with mine, we share a school system, a post office service and most importantly, charity bingo evenings and telethons, so I thought I knew it well.
But I had to ask their Mr Postmaster where the "F" does he live. He directed me back to where I'd started, a little tiny bungalow, which I'd discounted on the basis that no-one could possibely fall out of a window that low and do serious damage. Obviously Dennis could !!!!
As I entered his bungalow I said what a great view he had and he agreed that the mountains were pretty spectacular . No! not there, I said, look the other way, up there , you can see my house!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)